June 28th, 2008

I have a piece of information to give you now that may seem counterintuitive at first, so I have to ask you to stay with me for a few moments. I want to tell you about something we will not offer you at our hotel, now or ever, in spite of that fact that this is something we know you can find with many of our competitors. We will never provide you with an on-site “fitness room.” You know the room I’m talking about, I’m sure. It’s windowless, probably a converted storage room. There’s one, maybe two, treadmills. Two weight machines, one for upper body, one for lower. A mirror that makes you look fat. Some kind of non-functional cd player. Maybe a Pilates ball, if the hotel is groovy enough. It’s convenient, I will grant that to the competition, but I cannot think of presenting any better evidence to the world that my soul has been irreversibly sucked than willfully shutting myself into a cramped space so that I can perpetually jog toward an uglier version of me. Our exercise routines should not so clearly be punishments, I think.

And now, with my perhaps too obvious set up out of the way, I will tell you about our alternative: free passes to a nearby health club. Mingle with the locals, or just watch them work out. We’re giving you a pass to observe the natives, under the clever disguise of personal care. I know it’s not as easy as getting in the elevator and going up a couple of floors, the way you could somewhere else, but our way gives so much more respect to your humanity. We are social creatures; if we must run in place, we should at least have company!

< Back to Main